


Let Me Down Slowly

by UnspokenWords



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Langst, M/M, Not S7 compliant, POV First Person, is this langst?, keith hasn't even come back yet, lance pov, takes place while keith is with the blade and shiro is in the black lion again, writing off the top of my head
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2018-09-27
Packaged: 2019-07-18 09:03:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16115192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnspokenWords/pseuds/UnspokenWords
Summary: *LANCE POV*Right now, all my breaths are deep because I have to remember to breathe in the first place. I didn’t get enough sleep, and I feel like crying like I did last night, but I can’t. I’m too tired to cry.I finally got the chance to hang out with Keith. I hadn’t seen him in months. The last time I saw him was when he stopped by to take some of his stuff to the Blade's base, and he ended up hanging around with me all day. But that was months ago.And then it all came crashing down.I think I love him.Holy fuck, I think Ilovehim.





	Let Me Down Slowly

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everybody! I'm still working on my main fic, don't worry! I just wanted to post something that wouldn't really fit into my fic and get something out there. This hasn't really been proofread—unless you count Grammarly, so let me know about any errors you see!

There are no longer shallow breaths. Breathing requires effort. All my breaths are deep because I have to remember to breathe in the first place. It’s not even something that I do without thinking anymore. Each breath, it hurts. It hurts to breathe. It’s not really that it hurts to breathe, I guess, but each breath just feels... hollow, to say the least. It feels empty to breathe. It feels like I’m stretching something that shouldn’t be stretched. It’s not a typical pain, more like soreness or like my chest is constricted. Like I am pulling in too much air. But even taking short breaths, taking less air and trying to breathe more often, it doesn’t help. Holding my breath seems impossible, but it’s almost second nature to just breathe out and not breathe in.

My eyes are heavy too. I didn’t get enough sleep, and I feel like crying like I did last night, but I can’t. I’m too tired to cry. I’m too tired to think. But I have to push through it all. It’s just...

I was looking forward to this so much.

We were going to hang out, and I hadn’t seen him in months. _Months_. And fuck, I may have only realized that my feelings were truly romantic, what, like 4 months ago, but I had been questioning my feelings for so long. For at least a month before that, maybe even two. Sixth months of feelings, budding or not. Plus, two of those months was spent seeing him every day.

It was odd. When I saw him every day, that’s when I was questioning myself the most. I couldn’t really put my finger on it then. What if I just _wanted_ to like him? What if I was wrong and I told him and I didn’t actually like him?

I had been through the doubt before—I mean, I don’t think straight people question whether or not the feelings for their same-sex best friend are romantic or platonic every few months— so questioning my feelings, that wasn’t new. What was new was just how happy he made me. I mean, even if he seemed aloof to other people—cold, robotic—he made me happy. Maybe it was because he seemed aloof to other people. Maybe it was because he would actually talk to me about things I don’t get to talk about with other people. Maybe it was because he was there for me when I needed him, even though a lot of people thought that he didn’t have emotions and couldn’t be sad. Maybe it was because he trusted me enough to open up to me too, even if he still had some walls up.

And after I realized my real feelings, I only saw him once. Once. And we hung out all day that day, that day when he came back to the base to get some stuff, and it was amazing.

I think I love him. Holy fuck, I think I _love_ him. I know that I didn’t want to say it, I still don’t want to say it. I don’t want to admit it. It’s moving too quickly. Hell, it’s only been four months since I knew I had a crush on him, and now I love him? It’s too much, too much.

I haven’t even told him yet.

I was planning to, of course. I had a little thing planned out, where I would hang out with him, I could give him souvenirs from the missions we went on, from the planets we visited. He knew I was going to give him stuff. I told him I had a surprise for him. The plan was to give him a recording of me singing a love song, and at the end of the video was my confession: tell him I like him; tell him that I don’t expect anything; that even if he has the slightest bit of interest in me, I don’t expect anything; that we don’t have to be boyfriends; that we could just start with a date to see how it feels, since we had hung out as friends but not as someone romantically interested in another.

I mean, the reason I chose that plan is because it was a compromise. I wished I could tell him in person because it just means so much to hear it from the person and see their face. Yet, I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want him to feel pressured to respond, I wanted him to have time to think. I wanted him to have the space to say no or say yes or to just stop talking to me if it made him uncomfortable—if _I_ made him uncomfortable. I wanted the truth, and I wanted him to feel comfortable and give a real response. But I wasn’t about to just send him my confession in like a text, or in a letter or something like that. It wasn’t personal. I wanted it to be personal, I wanted it to be something real. I wanted him to see my face and see how I looked when I thought about him and the emotion in my face. I wanted him to know it was real. This was the best compromise. It allowed him to have less pressure and for the confession to still have a more personal touch.

Then we made plans. We made plans that involved him having to see me the next day, hang out with me. I knew I couldn’t tell him sooner because this plan was in a month. So I waited. And finally, it was upcoming, the day, and I couldn’t wait.

And then it all came crashing down. All of it. I guess, in technicality, we are still going to hang out. We are still going to see each other after a long time, I can still tell him that I like him, but I don’t get the thing I really wanted.

He said we would dance together. _We could dance._ They may have had a prom, for some odd reason, at the Garrison, but I couldn’t go. Hunk and Pidge, they went, but they felt bad that I couldn’t and that they were having fun without me. Keith, he got to go to one before he got kicked out—before he knew me. But this, this would have been my substitute. This would have been my “replacement” prom, with the songs I wanted, with the person I wanted to dance with. He even said he was going to wear a suit. And fuck, if that didn’t sound amazing.

But now we had a problem. I could go, I could still dance, yes. But what’s the point of dancing when you can’t even feel good while doing it? I wanted to show him, I wanted to feel good about myself and look good and see what he would say. I wanted to feel good for myself. I wanted to just feel good.

But what now? I can’t even look good for him. I get to hang out with him that day, at least for most of it, but I can’t even make myself feel good for this. I begged Allura and Coran and Shiro to postpone this diplomatic meeting, make it for another time, but they wouldn’t. Not that they _couldn’t_ , they **wouldn’t**. I know that seeing Keith like this, seeing him and getting to be happy about that, isn’t as important as the mission. It isn’t as important as Voltron, as defeating Lotor. But it was important to me. They just said that it was crucial that I be there, and that other times were not “optimal.”

They can’t fool me though. I know my way around words, despite what anyone may think. I do speak off the top of my head extremely often, which leads to mix-ups and things that don’t sound right. But I do know what people mean when they say stuff, especially someone who puts much thought into their speaking like Allura. When they say other times were not “optimal,” it means there were other times. Other times that could have been chosen, that everyone could make it to. Optimal just means the best one. I mean, sure, the best time should be chosen, but even if this is the best time for those three, it doesn’t mean it’s the best time for everyone else. I know Hunk and Pidge had a plan to do sciencey-tech stuff then, and they had to cancel their hangout together too. It was just the “optimal” time for those three.

And that makes sense, they _are_ the diplomats of us. They are the ones who need to make it. But that doesn’t mean that I really have to go and show up, but they insisted. Something about it showed that Voltron was there if they needed it, that the team was together. After what happened with that one event where Keith couldn’t make it because he was on a Blade mission and we had to fight without Voltron for a while, it makes sense that they would want that confirmation. But it still isn’t fair.

And now, here we are. Of course, I _have_ to find out a few days before I get to see Keith. And, of course, when I try and send him a message and let him know that I’ll have to leave and then meet him at the place and I’ll be in my paladin uniform, he doesn’t answer. I know that being able to instantly message people doesn’t mean that they have to respond right away, and I know that it doesn’t always mean that someone is accessible. I know that there could be things going on and he’s probably busy and like maybe he just doesn’t want to send anything in case his signal can be traced and could out the Blade. It just still feels lonely. I can’t help that. I can be understanding, I can try my best not to be sad about it, but I feel lonely. I’m not going to take it out on him since it isn’t his fault, just still let him know that I’m thinking of him by sending stuff. It’s still lonely. And, of course, I _may or may not_ have had a breakdown when I was alone because of this.

The biggest problem is that it’s still affecting me. My breakdown was last night. I stayed up late because of it. Now I’m drained of energy and basically any emotion. I don’t feel motivated to do anything really at all. Even if I have to. It just feels wrong right now.

I feel empty. I already talked about the breathing thing, but it’s also just that I don’t really feel like I’m here right now. In a physical way, I do feel like I’m here. In a mental way, I feel like I’m here. It’s more like... I’m not here in the sense that I don’t feel like I exist or really belong. I know in my head that I do matter, that I am here and that I exist, but for some reason, I just don’t feel good about myself right now. Usually?

Usually, I’m fine, really. I’m me, through and through, not trying to think about how others perceive me, even if I speak before thinking. I feel like I exist and people hear what I have to say, like my opinion matters. I feel not only confident in myself, but my looks. I take care of myself, and it pays off. Usually, I know that I look great, amazing, stunning, and more. I know that I’m attractive.

But right now? I don’t even feel good about myself. I wore my laziest clothes today because fuck it all. Sure, maybe that’s not really helping me feel any better about myself. But the way I made myself up, the way I planned to look for Keith when we danced, I felt amazing. I felt more assured of myself than ever before. I felt like I was glowing with happiness and radiance. I can’t even feel that way anymore because of the diplomatic meeting. I have to show up in my paladin armor, no time to make myself up at all. I hate it.

I can’t even cry anymore. It’s really nothing new, this feeling. It comes every once in a while, the feeling of hollowness. I was used to being spoken over, with a bigger family and all that. After a while, your feelings and opinions might matter less. Mom, she tried her best to make me feel loved, and I truly, _truly_ did. I did. I knew she tried to listen to me and make me feel important, but when you have to deal with younger kids, those kids will talk over you and try to get you to take their way, take their side. Nevertheless, the feeling of not having a voice or a meaningful opinion can become something normal to you if it happens enough.

So _this,_ this isn’t new. Being brushed off when you try and calmly talk to someone about things, like when I tried to talk to Allura and Shiro and Coran about this, isn’t new. I’m used to it by now.

I’m used to this by now.

I’m used to it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! First of all, I want to say that the title is actually a song title. The song is "Let Me Down Slowly" by Alec Benjamin. I was listening to it while reading this, so if you want to listen, go ahead! I really love this artist.
> 
> For context, I had something similar happen to me recently and the feelings Lance goes through in this are the kind of the feelings I'm having right now. I just needed to write something, and this ended up being the result. The person I like reminds me of Keith more than I would like to admit, so it works out.
> 
> Anyway, as I said, I'm still working on my normal work! Don't worry about me! After the hangout with the person I like, maybe I'll add a second chapter to this to say how it worked out, but for now, it's a one-shot.
> 
> If you liked this, please leave a comment here OR on my tumblr!
> 
> https://unspoken-words-ao3.tumblr.com/


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